The Dichotomy of Glory

You know how you pray for God to break you? I never knew just how much that meant your emotions and heart could be be literally torn in two different directions. This week, I have been experiencing this strange division of thought, both first hand and in the lives of friends. As I was praying about the whirlwind I found myself in, this idea of the Dichotomy of Glory rose up.

How glory can be found in two opposite things, at the same time.

How God can be lifted up by polarized events.

Life and Death
Yesterday, I went to the hospital to visit my friends (and co-Gate leaders) Wally and Crissy. They had just become proud parents of a sleepy (for the moment) baby boy named Liam. I walked into a room filled with family and friends of the new Mom and Dad, and gazed into their smiling, beaming faces as I shook hands and introduced myself. Then, in the faces of Wally and Crissy, I saw another dichotomy- a strange but familiar mixture of excitement and exhaustion. Every hospital room I've ever entered with the intent of congratulating new parents has held the same expression my friends held. After a long sleepless and uncomfortable night, a new joy was here. As much as they said they were exhausted and couldn't wait to sleep, I knew they would just as soon spend the next week gazing at this little miracle they could call their own.

I walked into my home, just a few minutes later, and saw Kristin sitting at the computer, tears in her eyes. Before I could tell here about what I had just seen, she informed me that another couple that we are friends with, Jay and Amanda, had just lost their baby. Jay and Amanda are also friends with Wally and Crissy, so the fact that two groups of people we know would experience the opposite ends of a similar event on the same day left us questioning: How could this be?

On one hand, God has been glorified by the miracle of birth and thankfulness of one family, but He has also been glorified by the tragedy of another. Over the last day, Amanda and Jay have been an amazing example of faith and trust in a sometimes incomprehensible God. They have turned to Him, they have trusted in Him. They have glorified Him.

No, it doesn't make sense. I rejoice with Wally and Crissy. But I grieve with Jay and Amanda. With both, we must trust God. I think another of our friends, Michelle, said it best: "Celebrating today with a dear friend for the birth of her son. Mourning today with a dear friend for the loss of her son. Two friends. Same God. I have no words."

It is at times like this where we don't know what to say. Often, I simply want to say, "I have nothing to offer but my prayers and my God. May they be sufficient."


Duty and Passion
I have a real job. It's purpose is to pay the bills to enable us to lead our church. It is not my passion, nor even an interest of mine. It is a gift of God and came just when we needed it. Over the last three years, I have built relationships, and I have done my duty. Occasionally I've done a real good job. I don't wake up excited to go to work, but I try to do the best I can at it. When I succeed at this and at sharing my life and love for Christ with my co-workers, God is glorified.

For the past month or so, I have been meeting with some guys. Four different guys, four different types of conversations, four very uplifting times for me. Because I see God working in their lives, I am being challenged in my faith. My vision for serving Christ through the Gate has awakened. My passion for His calling on my life has burned brighter, and more intense than it has since we first set out to begin this journey three years ago. I have desire to write, and want to do it more and more. I want to publish a book I've written. I want to meet more people. I want to work hard at making the Gate an entity that points to God by reaching those farthest from Him. My passion is awakened, this glorifies God.

I am now torn between glorifying God by doing a good job at my "real job" and glorifying God by pursuing the passion He sent me here for. The problem is that neither is happening the best they can because I am divided. Can I do both? I've been good at doing one real well to the detriment of the other, or doing both in a mediocre way. That doesn't glorify God.

Safety or Jump
So here I am. Torn. God can be glorified by life or death. God can be glorified by duty or passion. For me, the question is, can I glorify God by staying in the safe place, with my job, or do I have to take a leap of faith? I know of a lot of people who can balance the bi-vocational life, but can I?

The last time I took a leap of faith, a real jump, was when we moved to College Station to start the Gate. We left the safety of an established ministry for the uncertainty of a brand new bar church for college students. It has been the toughest thing I have ever done, but in many ways, through numerous relationships, I believe it may have brought more glory to God than anything else I have ever done.

I think about the glory I saw on display yesterday. The glory of a newborn child and the glory of a grieving family enveloped in the arms of Christ. I shared with them their glory: smiles for the new baby and tears for the one lost.

As C. S. Lewis said, "The load, or weight, or burden, of my neighbour's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken." God has been breaking me. He has been humbling me, showing me that I need to rely on Him. Does that mean I leave a job for the uncertainty of scrounging together funding for the church? I don't know. I share my dichotomy of glory with you so that you have the opportunity to carry the weight of my glory- from the good or the bad- just as I have had the blessing of bearing the weight of glory of Wally and Crissy and Jay and Amanda.

It has made me see Christ more clearly this late Fall day. His glory is what matters, let us seek it together whether we find in life or death, duty or passion.