Sexting and the Identity Crisis

It's always something with teenagers.

One generation has the evils of dance and drink. Another sees the danger of drink and drive. Yet another sees the evil of drugs rear it's head. A few years ago it was the predator filled land of MySpace. Now, it's sexting.

Last night, the local news ran a report on this new phenomenon (which, I must add, is not exclusive to those age 13-19). In the story, a mother discovered her 15 year old had created several false social media profiles and was sexting several older guys. So mom calls the dudes up and outs the daughter. Gutsy mom. In the story, the State Attorney General spoke of efforts to pass legislation making it illegal.

This morning, a local doctor who does a 3 minute bit on the local morning show, and whom I'll call Dr. Eyebrows, also addressed the issue. And for once, I agree with him- for a minute or two. He said legislation and potentially labeling these kids sex offenders won't solve the problem because we haven't answered why they do it. He says it is because we don't spend enough time with our kids, that that is the root of it. That's where I disagree with Dr. Eyebrows. Time with our kids is a part of it, but I spent a great deal of time with my parents, good quality time at that, and I still engaged in actions that were not the best for me. Admittedly, I was not the typical rebellious teen at all, and had sexting been around back them, I would never have done it anyway. I still got involved in things that were not the best, ranging from BB gun fights to pornography, and I had very good, involved parents.

I did the things I did because I was looking for identity.

I've long said that the 18-25 time of our lives is about defining our identity. It's that period of time in which we become who are for the rest of our lives. But I would say that the teenagers years is when we first become aware of a need for identity, and so set out to create one.

We pursue sports, recreational activities, the opposite sex, a cool car, a reputation, a group to belong to, an image- all things that give us identity. But this is identity bestowed. It comes from others. Sexting, to me, falls into this area. It is an attempt to attain an identity as sexy or tempting. An flawed identity that says "I am a man or woman because I am sexy." This is nothing new. When our grandparents' parents were terrified of them going dancing, it was because dancing always led to sex, and that is what teens want more than anything. OK, the "always led to sex" part was a bit of hyperbole on their part, but sex being a predominant thought for teens is not too far off the mark. Up until the Technology Age we live in, sex had to be personal. Now, it comes over the internet or through the phone.

And it is still about a teens search for identity.

To be declared sexy means to have identity. To be a 'mature' person in they eyes of their peers. Again, this is identity bestowed, not identity discovered. So, here is my answer to Dr. Eyebrows' suggestion that we spend more time with our kids: Time spent with our kids NEEDS to be time spent urging them to define themselves, to discover their identity for themselves. And we need to remind that while the mask of identity they wear in High School (Jock, Cowboy, Cheerleader, Band Nerd, Geek, etc.) will fade, the scars they receive in pursuit of this temporary identity will not. It is natural for teens to experiment with who they are, but those experiments will have consequences. Habits they establish in the teen years will either plague them or help them for the rest of their lives, long after the nicknames have faded. You can delete that sext, but what you have given up is much more than data.

And really, sexting is not the core issue- it is a symptom. A generation exists right now that doesn't know who it is- just like every generation before it. It is trying things to see if they can figure out who they are. And they so desperately want to be cool and grown up, and are willing to create a false identity (literally and figuratively) so that others will perceive them as such. Because they fail to see the real person they are. Whether it is sexting, or drunkenness, or bullying, or lying, they are all the attempts of a blind person trying to see themselves in a mirror. They can't see themselves, so they act in such a way that others define them. And they live in that definition until one day, often when it's too late, they can suddenly see the mirror for themselves. It is then that they realize they have been living an identity that is not really them at all, but it is too late to undo what has been done. The scars won't fade now

It is a simple answer to say that what people need is Jesus. It is a church answer to the extreme. But church answers aren't always wrong answers. I was able to avoid making most of the big bad decisions in my teen years because I chose to let God define my identity, for the most part. I struggled with then, and struggle with now, the issue of pornography because I didn't, in those formative years, let God define that part of me. I didn't drink or do drugs, I didn't drive recklessly- even when I had a Firebird. I had a better idea of who I was in High School because I had Jesus leading me to those answers instead of letting other identity challenged teens give me a name. I still was blown away by how little I knew of myself when I got to college, but I had way fewer scars than many of my friends. But there is not a day goes by that I don't wish I had given over to Jesus that sexual part of my identity that was scarred by the images I saw. If I had only trusted Him totally, I could have spared so much anguish.

Now imagine the feeling of a teen who got lost in the false identity given through "teenage indiscretions" like sexting or beer parties or hookups or bullying. The choices teens make will define them, long after they have grown up and tried so hard to let the world see them as they really are. Those choices may be see by everyone, like when there is a teenage pregnancy or a drunk driving collision. Or they may be private like pornography. But they are there. In our hearts. In our minds. They are the nagging little things that won't let go, no matter how hard we try to get away. No matter how much we want them to fade.

If you're young, make wise decisions and seek your identity from the One who actually matters. If you're old, know that the One who actually matters forgives us for our failures- the old ones and the new ones. In Jesus, we have a new chance. A new hope.

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it. --Revelation 2:17

Who Do You Say He Is?

I've been a Batman fan for as long as I can remember. I first learned of him through Super Friends re-runs and the '60's TV show. I read the occasional comic book. Then it was 1989 and Tim Burton did a movie that changed things for me. Batman was serious, and dangerous. Then I really became a fan. Burton continued with Batman Returns, but then Joel Schumacher made Batman Forever, and the goofy came back. This was not my Batman anymore. Then there was Batman and Robin. I'll not say anything else about that. But I had another version of Batman to keep me happy- found in the animated series and later the Justice League cartoon. All the while, the comic book Batman stayed like I liked him- dark, serious, and not a people person. When Christopher Nolan brought his more realistic, more serious version of Batman to life in Batman Begins and the Dark Knight- I was ecstatic. MY favorite version of Batman was out there for the world to see.

There have been numerous directors and actors to bring their vision of Batman to life- each with his own twist, his own little bit of definition that makes it 'their' Batman. And thats not to mention the 70+ years of writers who put their mark on the character. They can look at their work and say proudly, "That's who I say he is." And they have every right to do that- he is a fictional character and he is meant to be molded to the vision of the creator currently handling him. He is a tool of entertainment.

But Jesus isn't. Never has been. But like actors, directors, and writers we want to put OUR stamp on Jesus. It's so tempting to try to see Jesus as we want to see Him. Part of that is good and needs to happen: we need to see Jesus as we experience Him in our day to day lives. But the danger is when we try to change, however subtly it may be, the Truth of who He is.

It's nothing new. Jesus' own contemporaries wanted Him to be something He wasn't: a conquering political leader. Many grew frustrated and left Him when they realized the revolution He was leading would not take down an oppressive government. John the Baptist's followers questioned whether or not He was the one they expected, because He didn't fit their perceptions. Those closest to Him struggled with who He really was even after seeing all the miracles- it wasn't until after He ascended to Heaven after the Resurrection that they began to really see.

Now, we mostly like to pick and choose the things about Jesus we want to believe. Occasionally we ( and by we, I mean cult leaders, politicians and pastors like me) put words in His mouth, but mostly we just like to ignore the things He said we don't like, or justify why we don't have to still follow that teaching. We want to quote those passages about forgiveness and turning the other cheek, but conveniently forget that Jesus PHYSICALLY threw money changers out of the temple and verbally assaulted the Pharisees on numerous occasions. We want to think Jesus doesn't care about sin because He always forgives, but conveniently forget that He forgives and asks us to "go and sin no more." We take those teachings about confronting those in sin, but leave the parts about confronting in love and "removing the long in our own eye." We claim to be His chosen people, then look down on those who don't believe as if the 'chosen' part was really about something we did to earn it.

Essentially, we try to write Jesus as a character. We want to put our spin on it. And we do it with the best of intentions. There are parts of the character of Jesus- and even more so, God in the Old Testament- that aren't easy to digest, so we clean it up a bit. We try to make God as a whole easier to take, like He's medicine that needs a spoonful of sugar. We think, "What's the harm in making Jesus and God less exclusive, less difficult, more human?" If people come to know the safe (read "our") Jesus, that's all the matters, right?

At best, when they finally realize that Jesus is not so easy to grasp, that we 'sugared' Him up to make Him more palatable, then they grow frustrated. Maybe with God, maybe with the Church. At worst, we water Him down or beef Him up so much that they realize the Jesus they accepted was not really Jesus at all, but in actuality our projection of who we want Him to be.

I think this is one reason behind the Exodus of teens from the Church when they go off to college or career. They've met Jesus, but not ever really engaged Him as He is. They know a little of Him, mostly what others have said, and when they get independent and start really looking at who He is, they decide they don't really like the way Jesus characterizes Himself. They find other characters to read that make them feel good about themselves as they are. Characters that make more sense to them.

I've not read Batman comics for a year or so now because I don't like the characterization of Batman. I've moved on to Green Lantern and Flash, and I can do that with no qualms, no major consequences. I like their characters better right now, so I invest in them. I can do this because they aren't real. They are shaped by their creators. And if I don't like it, I can read about something else.

But with Christ, He is the Creator and we are the characters. It is supposed to be Him writing our actions, scripting our dialog, not the other way around. For me to stop seeking God because I don't like the way He works is the ultimate form of idolatry- it's putting me as god over God. It'd be like Batman stopping in the middle of a scene or comic panel and looking at the director or writer and saying, "Eh, I'm going to go a different way with this. It's just not working for me."

We must come to the point where we stop trying to add our characterizations to God to get Him to be who we want Him to be. We can't force Him to accept our actions, we can't justify doing things He clearly says are wrong and still call Him God or Lord. It's time we read our Bible without a preconceived notion who God should be. It's time we open it's pages and ask the Spirit to lead us to see Him as He is. When Jesus asked Peter, "Who do you say I am?" Peter said, "You are the Messiah, the son of the Living God." Jesus told him this confession came not from other people, or even from the finite mind of Peter, but was revealed to Peter by the Divine. God wants to reveal Himself to us. He longs for it because He wants to be known by us. But our prejudices and ideas of who He should be get in the way. We must go to Him and ask Him to reveal Himself, and in doing so to burn away all the junk that clutters our perception of Him.

If Christopher Nolan's version of Batman is my favorite version of Batman- then God's version of Himself is not only my favorite version of Him, it's the only true version of Him.

By that reasoning, the best version of me is the one written and directed by Jesus.

Self Confidence

Self confidence is a tricky thing.

Too little, and you're a pushover, easily manipulated, and whiny. Too much, and you're brash, a bully, and arrogant. I've come to realize that I have this problem. I've also come to realize that often when I am in my overconfident mode, I'm really just covering up for my insecurities. I've failed at something, or made some sort of moral compromise, so I try to put on an air of bravado. And I'm a jerk so you can't see how insecure I am.

I've come to see in myself- and others as well- this sort of attempt at self-correction gone wrong. It often comes across in one (or more) of these ways:

Know It All If you think you are lacking in some way, why not try very hard to prove you are smarter than everyone else? Now, it's one thing to actually know a lot about something- but to act like you know everything is kind of annoying. I tend to get this way with my wife. Just today, while discussing something, I played the Know-It-All card. Fortunately, she called me on it. I was desperate to be right about something to validate myself. So I used fancy words and dismissive tones. I've been on the receiving end of this, as well. If you remember the old "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy" sketch from SNL-that's a pretty good picture of the Know-It-All.

I hate when I get like this- I feel like an elitist looking down on others. Really, that's what behaving as a Know-It-All is all about- making yourself feel superior so the real you doesn't prove a let down.

Cocky I was really good at this one in High School. Maybe it was because I watched Top Gun too much as a kid, but arrogant and cocky has always been a go-to self-confidence facade for me. It's like, if I tell myself "I'm Awesome" enough, then I- and everyone else- simply must believe it's true. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize this is the most transparent form of posturing. It's clear that the Cocky person is simply trying to convince themselves they have worth.

Democratic(Not the political party) Not really a course-correction thing, as much as a "I really don't know for sure, so you must be right" thing. I often see this come out in me as someone not totally agreeing with my course of action or idea- so I cave. I don't trust myself or my vision enough, so that when someone points out a flaw- real or otherwise- I become convinced that flaw IS the Achilles' Heel. I give myself the allusion of power because I am being a good leader and getting input. What's really happening is that I am terrified my leadership is weak, and will be thwarted if I don't back off this idea that clearly someone (in my mind, everyone) disagrees with.

I think we all struggle with self-confidence, at various times. And I know we have all experienced the insecure person trying to hide that fact. What I think is important is that we realize what value we actually have.

Well, duh.

It's easy to say that, but how do you do that? The church answer is of course, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me..." Galatians 2:20. That is a true statement, but what does it mean, really? It means your value need not be derived from you and what you do- it needs to be pulled from the value you have in Christ. Do you think Christ loves you? Do you think Christ is pleased with you? Do you believe He has accepted you, faults and all? If you can answer yes to those, why do YOU still need to boost your ego? If you can't answer yes, then check this out:

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19.

The root of a lack of self confidence is fear. Fear that we haven't got what it takes. Fear we will be rejected. Fear we will fail. If we can realize that God loves us- how can fear rejection by Man and his standards?

So if you find you find yourself "Nick Burns-ing" it, or "Maverick-ing" it, or even being a pushover for diplomacy sake- ask why. Why are you trying to be a jerk to hide your fears about your inadequacies?

And don't be so quick to dismiss other people who point out to you when you are posturing in such a way. I've encountered people who will joke about others being this way, when in fact they themselves are doing the same stuff.

We're all a little insecure from time to time, so be accepting of that. But also, don't try to hide it. We are broken people, and we DO need to be reminded that our God has come to put us back together, to make us alright.