Self Confidence

Self confidence is a tricky thing.

Too little, and you're a pushover, easily manipulated, and whiny. Too much, and you're brash, a bully, and arrogant. I've come to realize that I have this problem. I've also come to realize that often when I am in my overconfident mode, I'm really just covering up for my insecurities. I've failed at something, or made some sort of moral compromise, so I try to put on an air of bravado. And I'm a jerk so you can't see how insecure I am.

I've come to see in myself- and others as well- this sort of attempt at self-correction gone wrong. It often comes across in one (or more) of these ways:

Know It All If you think you are lacking in some way, why not try very hard to prove you are smarter than everyone else? Now, it's one thing to actually know a lot about something- but to act like you know everything is kind of annoying. I tend to get this way with my wife. Just today, while discussing something, I played the Know-It-All card. Fortunately, she called me on it. I was desperate to be right about something to validate myself. So I used fancy words and dismissive tones. I've been on the receiving end of this, as well. If you remember the old "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy" sketch from SNL-that's a pretty good picture of the Know-It-All.

I hate when I get like this- I feel like an elitist looking down on others. Really, that's what behaving as a Know-It-All is all about- making yourself feel superior so the real you doesn't prove a let down.

Cocky I was really good at this one in High School. Maybe it was because I watched Top Gun too much as a kid, but arrogant and cocky has always been a go-to self-confidence facade for me. It's like, if I tell myself "I'm Awesome" enough, then I- and everyone else- simply must believe it's true. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize this is the most transparent form of posturing. It's clear that the Cocky person is simply trying to convince themselves they have worth.

Democratic(Not the political party) Not really a course-correction thing, as much as a "I really don't know for sure, so you must be right" thing. I often see this come out in me as someone not totally agreeing with my course of action or idea- so I cave. I don't trust myself or my vision enough, so that when someone points out a flaw- real or otherwise- I become convinced that flaw IS the Achilles' Heel. I give myself the allusion of power because I am being a good leader and getting input. What's really happening is that I am terrified my leadership is weak, and will be thwarted if I don't back off this idea that clearly someone (in my mind, everyone) disagrees with.

I think we all struggle with self-confidence, at various times. And I know we have all experienced the insecure person trying to hide that fact. What I think is important is that we realize what value we actually have.

Well, duh.

It's easy to say that, but how do you do that? The church answer is of course, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me..." Galatians 2:20. That is a true statement, but what does it mean, really? It means your value need not be derived from you and what you do- it needs to be pulled from the value you have in Christ. Do you think Christ loves you? Do you think Christ is pleased with you? Do you believe He has accepted you, faults and all? If you can answer yes to those, why do YOU still need to boost your ego? If you can't answer yes, then check this out:

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19.

The root of a lack of self confidence is fear. Fear that we haven't got what it takes. Fear we will be rejected. Fear we will fail. If we can realize that God loves us- how can fear rejection by Man and his standards?

So if you find you find yourself "Nick Burns-ing" it, or "Maverick-ing" it, or even being a pushover for diplomacy sake- ask why. Why are you trying to be a jerk to hide your fears about your inadequacies?

And don't be so quick to dismiss other people who point out to you when you are posturing in such a way. I've encountered people who will joke about others being this way, when in fact they themselves are doing the same stuff.

We're all a little insecure from time to time, so be accepting of that. But also, don't try to hide it. We are broken people, and we DO need to be reminded that our God has come to put us back together, to make us alright.