Scars of Friendship

I've been scratched a great deal over the course of my life. By pets, by my kids, by thorns, and once by a high school girl basketball player during a practice our JV had with them. But for the most part, these scratches were short lived, both in their appearance and their memory. I know these things happened, but details get fuzzy and often disappear altogether.

But my scars are a different story. I still bear a scar on my right hand/forearm from running into a cattle panel (a criss-cross of 1/4 inch steel bars used for fencing). It's about 2-3 inches long, visible and I can remember the searing feeling of its first appearance. Then there is the 'Nike swoosh' I have on my left index finger. It's there because I tried to take a stainless steel sink through a too narrow door, too quickly. Several stitches later, its still there and the feeling in that finger no longer is.

Scars stick with us, they make an impact. And as unflattering as it may seem, the people in our lives are either scratches or scars. Some of them make a mark on our lives that fades and disappears. Others remain in our lives long after they have moved on.

I'll never forget guys like Jared and Donald who would stand up for me when bullies or upperclassmen came around. They were protectors when I was unable to stand for myself. The image of Morgan and Michael running up the stairs to my apartment, then sitting with me for who knows how long as I came to grips with the news that my father had just passed away is one that is permanently on my heart. A young man named Lynn, just a year my senior, visited with me at my grandfather's funeral, offering words of comfort. Just a few months later I sat at his own funeral, struck still with the poignancy of his words.

Not all scars are bad memories, though. Ask a woman who bears the scar of a C-section and you will hear a story that results in great joy. Not unlike the person who bears a scar of a surgery that saved their life. Dusty was my "Disc Golf Discipleship" buddy. Dave was my crazy roommate that still managed to challenge me to grow in Christ. Jay and Glenn were two ministers that pushed and challenged me to use my gifts for the Lord, and occasionally threw down a bit of a gauntlet that spurred me on that path.

Most of these folks I've not seen in years, and only really interacted with via Facebook and email if at all. Yet I see their faces vividly, clearly, and their words and actions are a part of my soul. They are my Scars of Friendship.

I've been looking at the state of my life lately, and I have been disappointed in the level of impact I've had on those around me. Sure, if you ask the people around me they say I have had an impact, but I doubt its of the 'scar' variety. The mark I've made will fade in time. I know there are people I have left a permanent mark on, so this isn't a call for pity or encouragement from anyone- this is a wake up call to me, and I just want to share it with you.

I pastor a very small church. We want to be unique, non-traditional, and impactful. I've worried a lot about us making an impact on the community around us, asking if our little church in a bar disappeared tomorrow, would the community miss us. Sadly the answer is no. More sad is that a new question dawned on me last night. Would the people of the Gate really miss the Gate if it were gone? Have we made a true, 'scarring' impact on each other?

This is not an earth-shattering question, but rather a question any pastor should ask about his congregation. Do my people really matter to each other- do they NEED each other? Forget pastors, every follower of Christ needs to ask this question- Do I make an impact on those closest to me- to my brothers and sisters in Christ? Or am I just a good-time buddy, a common interest sharer, or a ride on a cold night?

The people who "scarred" me went deeper than the skin. They pierced something in me that was more a core thing, a soul thing. Our little community of believers have a lot of fun seeking God- but I wonder how deeply we seek Him. Does He leave a mark on us when we encounter Him as a church?

To me, the two are tied. If I am not living to make an impact on those around me, I'm living to allow God to make His on me. We've allowed our busy lives, and our fear of getting hurt, and our less important things take away from the impact we need to have on each other. We play our relationships safe, we keep our cards close to the vest as if we were playing Go Fish with our lives. If you're lucky, and guess just right, I'll reveal a bit of myself, open a bit of myself to you.

This must change, not just in our little church, but amongst followers of Christ everywhere.

So How Do We Do It?

Do Something That Matters Together- Some of the people that 'scarred' me did so in a very dramatic event- like the loss of something dear to me. I'm not saying we need to create something like that, instead, make it a positive thing. Go on a service trip together (aka Mission Trip). This bonds people together, and deeply, like nothing I've seen. You can do short term stuff, like a day event, but for it to really make an impact, it needs to be intense if it has to be short. Helping at a food pantry is good, but it doesn't go deep. The shorter the duration of the project, the more intense it should be. Ropes Courses are good that sort of thing, as well as the service stuff.

Be Open- We're so afraid of letting others in, that we close up our doors. We wear the equivalent of body-armor in our relationships with other Christians so we don't get hurt. Part of this is we fear we'll be judged, part of it is we fear being discovered as a phony. Sometimes, we need to be expose. Sometimes, we need to get hurt by those we love (in a helpful, good way, like how a surgeon does harm to make you better).

Set the Relationship on Christ- Yes, you need to be engaged with each other because you care about the other person. But you need to care about the other person because you love Christ. Your love for them will always be flawed and imperfect- His will never fail to be perfect. This is not easy, but if you want to impact your fellow Christ Follower, Jesus must be the foundation of the relationship.

The people who have left a 'scar' on my life have done so in at least one of these ways. It is in remembering their marking of my life that I encouraged today. To be a better husband, father, pastor, and friend. I share this in hopes that you too are 'scarred' in way that makes you think deeply about the impact you have on others. If you read this and it does speak to you, share it with friends.

I have come to realize that I need to make a difference in the lives of those closest to me if I ever want to make difference in the lives of those farthest from me. My 'scars' have come from all varieties of people, but the thing they have in common is that they cared about me enough to get their hands dirty with my life. To risk their own 'scars' for the sake of my betterment. They have, in ways big and small, 'laid down their lives for their friend." (John 15:13, paraphrased)

It is high time I do the same for my friends.