Polka Dot Christmas and New Year's Hopes

Christmas has come and gone, as has 2009 in general, and I for one am glad. About 2009, not Christmas.

See, for me, 2009 was a year of not much fun. Good things happened here and there, like finally nailing down what Kristin's illnesses were all about and getting a plan for that. It was also fun to watch Leslie begin gymnastics and get pretty good rather quickly, and Kenna has really developed a personality quite unlike what we expected it would be.

But 2009 was difficult spiritually. Struggles, health, and just plain apathy had gotten the better of me. One of the ways it manifested was in the lack of writing I did here. I love to write, but it is hard to write when you have nothing good to write about. In the midst of all this, I made one of those "God, make the fleece wet,no, wait, dry," deals with God. I kind of threw out there this thought, "God, if you still care about my happiness or joy, send me snow on Christmas."

Now, I forgot about that, because, A) it was kind of childish; and B) I live in south central Texas. Things went on for a while, and finally I began to climb out of the weariness and 'give-up attitude,' with a big help from Kristin, Donald Miller and the David Crowder Band, which pointed me toward Christ again. Things were getting better, but hope was still a fleeting thing to me, and I still lacked that feeling like I had a real strong reason for being. I had heard enough over the years that it was OK to just be ordinary and not do anything amazing (if you're like me, you remember that scene in the Incredibles where the Dad exclaims that the fear is that the super fast son would not fail, but that he would be great). So rather than dream big, I hedged my bets, and played it safe for a long time. Even with the Gate, I had begun to play it safe more often than not.

Christmas Eve it began to flurry while we were at my Mom's house near Waco. It was during a trip outside to get firewood that I remembered my shout out to God. It was certainly no White Christmas, Polka Dot Christmas at best, but it was snow. On Christmas Eve. In Texas.

I know its a big leap, but I started thinking again after that about big things. Not big things so that I become big, but big things to make His Name big. I've written a memoir that covers the first two years of the Gate, while also- like the flashbacks on Lost- telling the backstory that influences the things happening in the main story. Its a story that I think people should read, not just because I wouldn't mind the extra cash every no and then, but also because its real. Its real life, and its not so different from what others may ahve experienced. In my small vision world, it was something that would have been read just by family and friends. But this new year, I want to try to get it published. The attempt may fail, but the greater failure is to not try.

So, in 2010, I want to write more here, and in a follow up 'book.' You know, just in case 'Unfinished' gets published and is a huge success. But at the heart, I want to live better. For my own health. For my wife and kids. For my friends. For my church. For my God.

That's my New Year's Hope.