Sexting and the Identity Crisis

It's always something with teenagers.

One generation has the evils of dance and drink. Another sees the danger of drink and drive. Yet another sees the evil of drugs rear it's head. A few years ago it was the predator filled land of MySpace. Now, it's sexting.

Last night, the local news ran a report on this new phenomenon (which, I must add, is not exclusive to those age 13-19). In the story, a mother discovered her 15 year old had created several false social media profiles and was sexting several older guys. So mom calls the dudes up and outs the daughter. Gutsy mom. In the story, the State Attorney General spoke of efforts to pass legislation making it illegal.

This morning, a local doctor who does a 3 minute bit on the local morning show, and whom I'll call Dr. Eyebrows, also addressed the issue. And for once, I agree with him- for a minute or two. He said legislation and potentially labeling these kids sex offenders won't solve the problem because we haven't answered why they do it. He says it is because we don't spend enough time with our kids, that that is the root of it. That's where I disagree with Dr. Eyebrows. Time with our kids is a part of it, but I spent a great deal of time with my parents, good quality time at that, and I still engaged in actions that were not the best for me. Admittedly, I was not the typical rebellious teen at all, and had sexting been around back them, I would never have done it anyway. I still got involved in things that were not the best, ranging from BB gun fights to pornography, and I had very good, involved parents.

I did the things I did because I was looking for identity.

I've long said that the 18-25 time of our lives is about defining our identity. It's that period of time in which we become who are for the rest of our lives. But I would say that the teenagers years is when we first become aware of a need for identity, and so set out to create one.

We pursue sports, recreational activities, the opposite sex, a cool car, a reputation, a group to belong to, an image- all things that give us identity. But this is identity bestowed. It comes from others. Sexting, to me, falls into this area. It is an attempt to attain an identity as sexy or tempting. An flawed identity that says "I am a man or woman because I am sexy." This is nothing new. When our grandparents' parents were terrified of them going dancing, it was because dancing always led to sex, and that is what teens want more than anything. OK, the "always led to sex" part was a bit of hyperbole on their part, but sex being a predominant thought for teens is not too far off the mark. Up until the Technology Age we live in, sex had to be personal. Now, it comes over the internet or through the phone.

And it is still about a teens search for identity.

To be declared sexy means to have identity. To be a 'mature' person in they eyes of their peers. Again, this is identity bestowed, not identity discovered. So, here is my answer to Dr. Eyebrows' suggestion that we spend more time with our kids: Time spent with our kids NEEDS to be time spent urging them to define themselves, to discover their identity for themselves. And we need to remind that while the mask of identity they wear in High School (Jock, Cowboy, Cheerleader, Band Nerd, Geek, etc.) will fade, the scars they receive in pursuit of this temporary identity will not. It is natural for teens to experiment with who they are, but those experiments will have consequences. Habits they establish in the teen years will either plague them or help them for the rest of their lives, long after the nicknames have faded. You can delete that sext, but what you have given up is much more than data.

And really, sexting is not the core issue- it is a symptom. A generation exists right now that doesn't know who it is- just like every generation before it. It is trying things to see if they can figure out who they are. And they so desperately want to be cool and grown up, and are willing to create a false identity (literally and figuratively) so that others will perceive them as such. Because they fail to see the real person they are. Whether it is sexting, or drunkenness, or bullying, or lying, they are all the attempts of a blind person trying to see themselves in a mirror. They can't see themselves, so they act in such a way that others define them. And they live in that definition until one day, often when it's too late, they can suddenly see the mirror for themselves. It is then that they realize they have been living an identity that is not really them at all, but it is too late to undo what has been done. The scars won't fade now

It is a simple answer to say that what people need is Jesus. It is a church answer to the extreme. But church answers aren't always wrong answers. I was able to avoid making most of the big bad decisions in my teen years because I chose to let God define my identity, for the most part. I struggled with then, and struggle with now, the issue of pornography because I didn't, in those formative years, let God define that part of me. I didn't drink or do drugs, I didn't drive recklessly- even when I had a Firebird. I had a better idea of who I was in High School because I had Jesus leading me to those answers instead of letting other identity challenged teens give me a name. I still was blown away by how little I knew of myself when I got to college, but I had way fewer scars than many of my friends. But there is not a day goes by that I don't wish I had given over to Jesus that sexual part of my identity that was scarred by the images I saw. If I had only trusted Him totally, I could have spared so much anguish.

Now imagine the feeling of a teen who got lost in the false identity given through "teenage indiscretions" like sexting or beer parties or hookups or bullying. The choices teens make will define them, long after they have grown up and tried so hard to let the world see them as they really are. Those choices may be see by everyone, like when there is a teenage pregnancy or a drunk driving collision. Or they may be private like pornography. But they are there. In our hearts. In our minds. They are the nagging little things that won't let go, no matter how hard we try to get away. No matter how much we want them to fade.

If you're young, make wise decisions and seek your identity from the One who actually matters. If you're old, know that the One who actually matters forgives us for our failures- the old ones and the new ones. In Jesus, we have a new chance. A new hope.

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it. --Revelation 2:17