Being Miserable at Your Job for God's Glory

The other day, I was having lunch with Craig, a local pastor, and we were talking about ministry and "the call." We both agreed that a calling to full time ministry means that you will be miserable doing anything else- because if God calls you to serve, that's where He wants you.

I thought a lot about this over the last few days, in the midst of being miserable at my day job, and decided it is so true. Yet, there is, as always, an exception. What if God calls you to a ministry, but that ministry can't pay you?

When we started the Gate, I knew that I would have to become bi-vocational, and I was OK with that. In the early days, it was pretty easy to balance the two, especially since my day job offered a great flexibility. I could work through lunch and be able to meet people for coffee in the afternoon and still have time for family in the evenings. The job was low stress (other than the fact that being a legal assistant in delinquent tax law means all I do is research, and I hate research) and the pay was good. On the Gate side, we were still in high single digits to barely teens, so there wasn't as much time needed for that.

Over three years later, much of that has changed. The Gate is running in the mid-twenties with great potential to grow this spring- despite there being NO advertising at all this last semester aside from word of mouth. I'm scheduled to be meeting with three guys one-on-one on a weekly to semi-weekly schedule, plus I'll be meeting with the worship leader, when we find them. (They're not lost, we just need a new one due to graduation.) With Wally stepping back from the church, there are many things he did that I now have to do- they're small, but they are things like setting up slides for the messages. Also, with growth, there is a need growing to put our church in action like it never has been before- we need to be going, and going hard to the community around us. With the Wellborns gone, as well as our biggest graduating class ever, we are at a point where we have to take risks, and we have to spend time growing leaders to fill gaps.

I've not been this excited about the Gate since we started her. The possibilities are keeping me filled with hope and expectation and vision.

But my day job, that thing I keep so I can pay the bills, is killing me. I still have that freedom part, but with the increased needs of the Gate, it's not enough. The pay has stayed about the same as when I started, so that's no good. And the stress part? Let's just say there are certain elements in play that necessitated an early Christmas present punching bag for relief.

I'm not doing the Gate full-time, and I'm miserable.

I've looked at getting another job, but I realize now that nothing will allow me the freedom to do the Gate and the salary to pay the bills. Nothing, that is, aside from working for the Gate. The problem is, the Gate has about enough money to pay rent at the bar and handle a few miscellaneous needs that arise here and there. The Gate has never asked for money outside of itself, and so far, God has provided for the needs we have. But now, we sit at a point where we need God to up the provision.

I'd love to have someone donate the money to pay me full time and have enough left over to fulfill some of the needs we have like paying the rent and upgrading equipment that is growing old and funding mission opportunities. I want the Gate to grow, and reach people and be light to the campus of A&M and the cities of BCS. I need more time to devote to that, and the funds to support the ideas God is growing in me and in the people of our church.

And so, we're back to the start of this blog- that a person called to serve God full-time will be miserable if they do anything else. I am called to the Gate, yet I must work in tax law to be able to serve the Gate and reach people for Christ. I'm a "tentmaker" like Paul.

This is my trial.

But this, this is my hope:

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." ----1 Peter 1:6-9

If I must be miserable as a legal assistant so that I may know the joy of seeing God work in the lives of the people the Gate reaches, then so be it.

I need more time to devote to the Gate, but until I have it, I will take your prayers. Because with them, it is not just the Gate and I who reaps their blessing, it is you as well. For your prayers are what give the Gate and I support. Support when we are stressed, support when we are down, support when things don't go well. But you will also rejoice with us when God brings victory, salvation, and hope.

And though we might have trouble seeing Him now, I believe in Him- and that gives me joy.

Things, They Are A-Changin'

Every semester means we lose some people.

Graduation is all at once joyous and sad for us at the Gate- and most churches with college students in them. We're excited to see the future unfold for the students graduating, and anxious to see where God takes them and to what He takes them. But, it means our time with them is done. Sure, they may come back and visit, but they are now off to join another body of believers, or perhaps, begin their own church.

Being a church that is north of ninety percent college student brings its own set of issues with graduation. While we have always said that the cool thing about it is we get to start over ever semester with fresh faces, the truth is there is always a bit of concern:
"What if we can't replace those we lose?"

Not just their numbers, but their impact. When a church is small, each member leaves more impact than they realize. We've lost impact members before- but at a trickle.

This December, it's coming as a flood.

We say goodbye to Chris Hill. Chris is about as close to an original member as we get these days. He's been vital to us in running sound and helping with set up. He offered his heart so often, willing to help and provide advice on so much. He liked us so much he stuck around for grad school! He was also instrumental in bringing people to the Gate. Which leads us to...

...Katherine Metz. She started coming because of Chris, and she grew into our planner. Without her, the Gate would have no student organization. She took that initiative on herself and ran with it. She kept us organized more than we'd like to admit.

Daniel Hall walked in on a Sunday we weren't expecting anyone to show up. Before long, he was in the worship leader rotation. That will teach someone to randomly show up to our church on a low attendance day. Daniel brought heart and sincerity with him each time he came.

Jared Egli and Maddie McBrayer get joint mention because, well they came together. They got involved in everything very quickly, and soon became leaders before we had time to recognize and try to equip them to be leaders. They spent their last semester with us leading worship, and doing great. Now, they are getting married in a month or so. (Disclaimer: the Gate can take no credit for that, they were already getting married when we met them.)

These folks were blessings to us while they were with us- perhaps more than they know. But this year, they are not the only loss to the Gate.

Wally and Christine Wellborn are stepping aside from leadership at the Gate. The Wellborns have been friends of Kristin and I since college, and our co-leaders of the Gate since inception. Wally served as small group coordinator, Gate Crashers coordinator, worship-leader-as-needed, sound guy, and tech guy, among many other things. Christine worked with the women, helped with children's activities when needed, and was often the voice of reason when ideas grew a bit outlandish.

God is calling them on from us, though they will still be around in the background, and I am sure, still praying for us. As we will for them, and all the graduates. Where ever God may take them, I know they will be a blessing to that ministry.

So the big question is, what is next? The small answer is: Change. The Gate has always viewed itself as a place of transition- a gate is not a place so much as a space between places, just like college is a space between childhood and adulthood- and this is no different. Bigger change, definitely, but change nonetheless.

With slightly more elaboration, the change coming means this: Students no have NO choice but to step up and lead. If the Gate is to remain, students will be the leaders of it. Yeah, Kristin and I will still be around in our usual roles, but the students we've always told they were vital to our church are all the more so now. We need your commitment, your vision, your passion, your time, your friends, your tithe, your ideas, your missions, and your leadership.

As I believed in Chris, Katherine, Daniel, Jared, Maddie, Wally and Christine- and all those others gone before them, I believe in you. Many of you are already leading, and you don't know it yet. The Gate has always been and will always continue to be the church for college students where you don't just "do" church, you ARE the church.

There is risk in the future for the Gate.

But it is a risk that is worth taking for all of us who already belong to the Gate, and for those yet to find us.

Let's take this transition together.

The Hike

Sometimes, a road seems so long that you grow weary, and you wonder why you ever set out on it in the first place. You question whether your commitment to the path is really worth the effort. Sure, you enjoy the scenery, and you get a good workout from the hike, but those 'rewards' seem small compared to the fact that you've been walking for a while and no big milestones have been passed yet. So, you stop, sit, and flirt with the notion of giving up.

Other hikers walk by, coming from some other trails, and tell you the hike is worth it. You appreciate their kind words, but they haven't been walking with you, they don't know what you've been through. There are other hikers, ones who have been following you, but they'e been quiet, watching you and seeing what you do. Some have been with you from the start, they are tired, too. Others have been picked up along the way, and have a little more pep to them. It is one of them, or a chorus of them that speaks up, and says what you've needed to hear, but never knew it:

"You have made my hike a little better."
"You've made me feel like I belong to this hiking tour like no other hiking tour ever has."

"I feel closer to the summit than I ever have before, and couldn't have done it without you."

"You've changed the way I view hiking."

Your heart stirs, the weariness fades a bit, and the path no longer looks so daunting. You will carry on, buoyed by the encouragement of the people following you.

For a while now, I've been tired. I've seen God doing small things in the ministry He's called me to, but for whatever reason, it hasn't seemed good enough. At least, not good enough to impassion me. It's been a yo-yo of spirituality for me for the last few years, and I'm pretty sure the up and down isn't done yet. But just a few days ago, I'd had enough. I wasn't hearing encouragement from God- it seemed- and the bright spots I'd even recently spotted were seeming dim. So I told God- "I need something. I need to know what I've pursued with the Gate matters, that it's worth something. That I matter."

That hit me Thanksgiving night, and I sat down, and threw a pity party. I was ready to stop the hike. I was consumed with anxieties and fears about church, job, life, and everything. I was angry at God, and didn't know why. So I called Him out.

Then, Sunday night. We had our last night of Storytellers, a series we'd been doing at church where we invited the folks that make up our church the chance to share their story, or a message they felt God had laid on their heart. The other two nights had been great, Maddie had taught a great message about letting God take away your anxieties and fears. Evan shared about how God had used the Gate to lead him closer to God than he'd been, and Bethany shared about how God has His hand in things in ways that can surprise- and save- us. Last night, Amy shared about how God led us to realize how little we are in control, but that it's a good thing. Andy shared how one person can make a difference, even if it seems small at the time, to change things in a big way. And Sara closed us out with a message of hope that God can heal our brokenness.

I still didn't fully have the theme God was teaching me yet. I'm slow like that.

This morning, I felt the need to listen to Mumford & Sons. I clicked on their first album on Grooveshark and let it play. While the music played, I was chatting with Daniel, who encouraged me unexpectedly with a sledgehammer of hope- God was using me. There was a difference being made through me, despite my fears, anxieties and failings as a follower of Christ.

Then, the lyrics to the Mumford & Sons pierced my heart:

"So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears"

And

"So make your siren's call

And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be"

God cares. And what I've learned is that we need to listen to Him, and we need to listen to the words of others when they encourage. We need to offer it freely as well. Sometimes when we don't 'hear God,' the door that opens to that comes from listening to those hiking with us. As pastors, we need to let those in our care share what God is doing in their lives- you'll be surprised how often it's more than you think. And people need to tell their leaders when they have made a difference in their lives. Pastors need to encourage their flock- and not just from the pulpit (or bar floor).

I don't think we realize how often we all need a kind word from someone else. After all, God's kindness is what leads us to repentance. Makes sense that His followers acting out that aspect of His character would have a similar result.

This morning, a combination of the words from Storytellers ringing in my ears, an encouraging Facebook chat, and Mumford & Sons brought me to tears- and closer to God. So, I put my pack back on, stood to my feet, and resumed my hike. My hope and prayer is that I lead well those who go along with me. That when they grow weary, I give hope, and when I falter again, they again lift me up.
The journey is long, but it is worth it. But only if we go together.

Attack of the Killer Thanksgiving Turkey

I was meeting with Andy- a young man from our church- yesterday, and after discussion over the scripture we were reading, Andy asked me a potent question:

"Why is the church OK with Thanksgiving?"

At first, I wasn't really sure there was anything 'wrong' with Thanksgiving. But Andy continued explaining his question, until finally, he arrived at this analogy (paraphrased):

"So, someone from church invites everyone over to Thanksgiving dinner, where we all over eat, and no one has a problem with it. But what if I announced that after the dinner, everyone come over to my house and we'll have a kegger?"

I've been meeting with Andy for a while now, and have come to learn he asks good questions that catch me off guard. This is a good thing.

What I think Andy is getting at is that Thanksgiving has little to do with giving thanks and lots to do with gluttony. And why would we as Christians be OK with overeating, but violently opposed to drunkenness? Really, it's the same kind of sin, just with a different ingredient. And both are Biblical called out as sin.

Thanksgiving is under attack by a giant, Killer Turkey.

Maybe this is just me, but when was the last time you actually "gave thanks" on Thanksgiving- aside of course from an obligatory prayer before chowing down on that awesome poultry and stuffing? Andy's problem with Thanksgiving is more that it's not about thanks- it's about gluttony. And we the Church promote it by not calling it out. And by not being actually thankful. We must fight back against the monster Turkey in the room.

So first- don't overeat. Put down the turkey leg and walk away. It is the same as getting drunk, having an affair, or killing someone. All sins being equal, as I believe they are. Enjoy your turkey, but in moderation. It will be hard for me, too.

Now, no one wants to be the guy who pulls the old "Everybody say something they're thankful for" shtick at dinner Thursday. I know I don't. So, instead of being that guy- or girl- start now. Yeah, I know people on Facebook are doing the "Today I'm thankful for..." thing, which is good, but I'm not persistent enough with that sort of stuff. After about a week, I'd just be trying to figure out what to post, and would have lost the point by that time. It'd just be a routine, not real, for me.

Here's my plan: I will post a few things I'm thankful for now on this blog. You can share yours in the comments section or at the Facebook link that sent you here. And as you sit Thursday, enjoying your turkey and dressing, maybe you'll think about the things you posted.

And be thankful.

Thus thwarting the Attack of the Killer Thanksgiving Turkey for another year. But watch out for the Attack of the Giant Stack of Presents Under the Christmas Tree.

What I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

1. My wife, Kristin. She seriously puts up with a lot from me, and not just cheesy jokes. Plus she is an amazing mother to our kids, and a true blessing to me.

2. Speaking of them- Leslie and Kenna, our kids. They always make me smile, and beam with pride. They are pretty good kids, and good enough other people see it. They are smart and talented- in different ways. And sometimes they listen to what I say.

3. That A&M is bowl eligible before we play Texas. That could have ended badly.

4. That my Mom and Mother-in-law get along super well. Sometimes a little too well, and they gang up on Kristin and I. But they are also great people and we love them dearly for all they do for us.

5. That our church the Gate has some awesome people really maturing in their faith. They are leading out and speaking up, and it is cool to watch it happen.

6. The Amazon wishlist. Makes shopping so much easier.

7. God's unending pursuit of me. Even when I'm not looking, He shows up and scare the heck out me. But it also reminds me that He loves me jealously.

8. How He Loves- any version, by any artist. Enough said.

9. Lost, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Supernatural, Friends, Lord of the Rings, A Time to Kill and any other movie or TV show that inspires me and- totally inadvertently- has a tendency to speak God's truth to me. So glad God uses things like this to talk to me.

10. For the rest of the people in my life who did not get name dropped, but still inspire and challenge me with tough questions, and relationships that are more than just acquaintances.

Seeing the Dark, or How to Keep Stress from Eating You

There have been times when I will wake up in the middle of the night, and the dark is so deep that I get disoriented. I forget where the lamp by my bedside is, where the door is, which way is which. Having lost all sense of direction, a slight sense of panic will briefly arise and I'll kind of flail about trying to find my bearings (and possibly hitting my wife) in an effort to regain control of my faculties. These incidents last maybe ten or fifteen seconds, but they seem like an eternity. Finally, my eyes will adjust, my sensibilities return, my wife asks, "What'd you do that for?" and normalcy and sleep soon return.

In the midst of the panic, it's not just my senses that are scrambled, its my thinking. All the things that give me comfort or security are still right where they once were, but I am unable to recognize them, or even see them as they are. The reason?

I can only see the dark.

Crazy, right? I mean, the dark isn't an object you can see, it's more of a concept. It's not really even a color. But in those moments of...whatever that is, it becomes almost tangible, almost alive, and it can be terrifying.

Now, before you write me off as a big baby who is afraid of the dark, remember this is for like fifteen seconds. I actually love the dark, and like walking in it- on my terms, which these cases are most definitely not.

Also, I'm seeing these episodes as a metaphor for some current things I'm dealing with, and probably so are a lot of others.

When a kid is afraid of the dark, what they are really afraid of is what is IN the dark that will come out and get them. The dark is a cover for truly nefarious things. As an adult we don't believe in monsters, but we do believe there are bad things in the dark- things we can't see at the moment, but we know are there.

Like stress.

Bills we know are coming. That conversation that we know we must have. Obligations that need to be met. Responsibilities to be undertaken. Consequences that are going to fall. Then, sometimes these inevitables are eclipsed by the true terrors- possibilities.

Let's face it, good possibilities rarely keep us up at night, but the possibility, the fear that tomorrow you get fired, or someone you love gets hurt, or a tornado could hit- these spring your eyes wide open.

And they are irrational.

The problem I've had lately is that these stressors- real and imagined- have become the dark. THEY are what I see, and no amount of flailing about trying to find my comforts and safeties has worked. Because I see the problem, and not the solution.

In the last few weeks, I think I've wanted to see the problem more than the solution. It makes no sense, but by wallowing in the problems I see ( and being incapacitated by them) feels easier than trying to see the solutions. Maybe it's anxiety or a mental thing, or maybe it's a spiritual one. Or both.

Two things have happened in the last 24 hours that have begun to clear the dark for me, and hopefully it can for you if you've been 'seeing the dark.'

1) Last night, our church had Restoration, a our communion service made up of lots of music, low lights, and stories of thankfulness shared by people. One person, Ashley, spoke of the need for us to just talk about how much we love Jesus, and how good He is to us more often. Usually, I write that kind of talk off as "Sunshine and Rainbows" talk, but not the way Ashley put it. There was a truth to it- a truth because she meant it, felt it, experienced it and knew it. She was not reciting some mantra the church taught her, she was speaking out of the overflow of what God was doing in her heart. By the way, that's called worship. So, thanks Ashley for sharing that we need to see God instead of the problems, if you'll forgive my paraphrasing and co-opting there.

2) Spurred on by that seed planted last night, I turned the I-pod on to "How He Loves," Crowder's radio version. I turned to that song mostly because God usually speaks louder when I listen to that song over others. Not sure why, other than it is one of the more heartfelt worship songs I've ever heard. In the midst of an always moving song, there is the lyric:

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

I recognized my problem was that I was all too aware of my 'afflictions.' They were the dark I could see, all that I could see. As if to accentuate the point, around the time this lyric went by, the sun broke through an overcast morning sky to shine on my face, startling me. See, God talks louder when you listen to the David Crowder Band.

That's the key to getting this. You either see your problems (your dark) or you see His affections for you. You cannot SEE them both. I'm not saying feeling loved by God makes your problems go away- it doesn't. But it so eclipses them that they are gone from pressing hard on your mind. You are not trapped by them, not in a panic over them.

For me, it is a choice I have to make constantly- do I see the dark, or do I see the glory and affection of God? Generally, if I want to feel in control, I try to see the dark. Which is ironic, because when I see the dark, I am in no way anywhere near the vicinity of in control.

But if I want peace? I let the dark be eclipsed by God's glory. I look at the love He has shown me, and trust in that.

Someone Has to be the Blind Guy.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

---Isaiah 61: 1-3

Several years ago, I was really into John Eldredge of Wild at Heart book fame. In one of his books, he uses this passage often, and kinda as a theme for the book. He poses that this passage, which Jesus quotes for His first public message, is a rallying cry for us to be rescuers of people, to be God's agents going out and helping people discover true life.

I ate that up.

And, I agree wholeheartedly with the idea. We are called to imitate Christ, we are told by Jesus that we have authority to do all sorts of crazy spiritual superheroics. And as long as we recognize that it is not we who do the deep down, soul rescuing (only God can do that), I think this is a good mindset to have. Christians who have changed the world no doubt live by this idea- whether they realize it or not. William Wilberforce who fought to end slavery is a perfect historical example, but we need not look any further than the Christians who today are digging water wells in Africa ( www.bloodwatermission.com ), or working in poor areas of America taking care of the sick, or leading movements to bring attention to the sex slave trade ( www.redthreadmovement.org ) or child soldiers ( www.invisiblechildren.com ). And why stop there- there are student missionaries in our colleges, neighbors who share Christ out of their pores, and quite possibly you yourself live this out.

I know I try to. It's not easy, and sometimes, it gets to be almost too much for anyone. Sometimes we falter, we fail, and we get trapped. Sometimes we just burn out.

The other day, I looked this passage up, largely because I was finding myself drawn to the "beauty for ashes" part. As I read it, I noticed something for the first time in a long time.

Someone has to be the blind guy.

I spent so much time focusing on this as a mantra for living the "on-fire for Jesus" lifestyle, that I neglected to realize that this passage is hope for the poor, the blind, the brokenhearted, and the prisoners. Someone is coming to rescue them. Then it dawned on me.

Sometimes, I'm the blind guy.

Sometimes, I need to be rescued, need to be given sight. I'm not always the crusading rescuer, I am often the captive in need of salvation. Be that from the ambassador of Christ that is my friend, or from the presence of Christ Himself, speaking hope to me.

I don't always have it together. Sometimes I can't see clearly, or I'm caught in a trap of my own design. If I am too prideful to admit it, I will not accept help when it comes.

I just need to admit I am the ashes, and that the only way beauty can arise from me is if Christ does His work in me. In order to be the rescuer, I must first be rescued.

Brokenness is a thing we must all know, so that we are made better. We who have been blind and can now see can better rescue the blind (I'm speaking metaphorically here). And the same is true for those former captives and poor.

If we want to be the kind of Christ follower that is revolutionary, it starts with realizing we need His rescue- not just once, but often.

Sympathy for the Devil

Just call me Lucifer
Cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

--The Rolling Stones, "Sympathy for the Devil"

Man, the devil makes a great villain, doesn't he?

He scares us to death in the Exorcist and Dante, and periodically shows up in more modern fare as the Big Bad of a movie or television show. We seem to be getting away from the devil as cartoon, and getting more to this kind of devil: seductive, persuasive, and deadly.

Satan is real. And he is good at what he does. And what he does is set the table for us to sin, and make it look good. There is no "devil made me do it" junk- he just offers.

Look at Luke 4 and see that he offers some attractive stuff to Jesus. What's more, he has the power to give it. Jesus, however, sees the strings attached, and knows what's good and in God's plan. He turns down a lucrative offer.

You and I don't get a face to face with the Prince of this world, that old fallen angel/snake/accuser. At least, not in such an obvious way. He is there- or, at least his demonic buddies are. Behind every temptation is a hope of Satan to kill your relationship with God. He can't snatch you from the Lord's hand, but he can take your intimacy with God and make you miserable in this life. If you let him.

I'm not a "demon around every corner" kind of guy- sometimes bad things and bad people just happen. I believe that often, when we give in to temptation so much, the instigator of that desire is our own sinful nature, not so much a dark whisper in the ear. Sort of an automatic start for sin.

In the movies, getting rid of Satan means learning Latin, buying a crucifix, and stocking up on Holy Water. Sometimes I wish fighting Satan were so tangible, that he were more like a monster that could be dispatched with the right formula of weapon and words. The true way to defeat Satan puts the power not in some talisman or phrase- but in God.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.-- James 4:7

It means, give yourself to God. Then, and only then, can you have the strength to do what comes next- resist. Without God in your life, the Rolling Stones are right, Satan will "lay your soul to waste."

It is a serious error to ignore that Satan is real and is powerful. It is equally serious to give him too much credit. He is defeated. He is limited. He is only capable of doing what God allows- and what we give him permission to do.

So, please- no sympathy for the devil. Just resistance.

Preceded and surrounded by submission to God.