Wayward Son

I discovered the show Supernatural last Spring when I had the flu. I'd been told by several friends I needed to see the show, but was a bit elitist in my TV viewing. CW shows were beneath me.

My bias soon faded as the show became addictive, quickly. Two brothers fighting the supernatural monsters of lore and ultimately facing down Lucifer himself with the help of a trenchcoated angel and a bearded drunk. Good TV.

Before each episode, there is a set of flashbacks to prior episodes, and before the season finale, the flashbacks are accompanied by this song- Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas.

As you can see from the lyrics, it's a song about a son struggling to make it, struggling to endure the tests before him. He has gone off the beaten path, he has taken the harder road. His heart breaks, and he wants to give in and give up. He has risen too high, and now he is under attack. For going beyond the norm. He has vision, and that vision costs him.

It is perfect for Supernatural.

It's perfect for me.

I confess, I am struggling with the calling of God on my life right now. I feel I have a vision of what God desires, of the church I lead and the people I reach, and I love doing that. But the cost- well, the cost is great. Spiritual attacks of fear, temptations, anxiety, business matters of the church, anger, feelings of inadequacies- they are mounting. Plus I struggle with a day job that I find neither fulfilling, nor financially sufficient- but am saddled with a skill set that leaves few options outside of full-time ministry or writing. And neither of those are available at the moment as an option. I am tired, I am frustrated, and I am losing faith.

All this despite God doing great things with the Gate. But I see that, and long for the ability to spend more time doing it, then wake up to the reality that unless someone decides to finance the church salaries, it ain't gonna happen.

In short, I'm hitting bottom.

In fairness, some of my malaise is my own fault. I sin, I say stupid things, I tend to be a little lazy when it comes to getting menial tasks done. God is bringing this to my attention these last few days.

Yet still, here I am. On a mission from God that is not (and I never expected it to be) easy. I knew there would be struggles, I knew there would be stumbles, and I knew there would be attacks. But I am swamped with those things now, and need a way out. I would give anything to be able to lead the Gate full time and write and speak on the side and never have to worry about paying the bills or my kids having a good birthday and cavity free teeth at the same time. Heck, I could deal a little better if I could get just one of those things.

And to be honest, I need to know that I matter. It is selfish and narcissistic, I know, but dang it, I want to know if I'm making a difference.

People will tell me I need to trust in God. I will really want to hit them. I know that. Sometimes I need to vent, and telling me what I already know is infuriating, and it really doesn't get to the heart of my issue. It's a feel good, simple answer to a question that is much more complex. One friend has pointed out that we do need to lament our problems to God and others- it's Biblical, there's a whole book called Lamentations, for crying out loud.

That advice helps me.

What I want is for God to take care of me, to comfort me and provide for me. I want some victories- BIG ONES. I want to have victory over my vices, over my finances, over apathy. I want God to open the door for full time ministry with the Gate, I want Him to make me a successful author and speaker. I want to be restored to the kind of faith and joy I've known throughout my life. I want freedom from the burdens of this world- freedom that comes only from intimacy with Christ. I want to know Him, and I want to continue on this journey He has called me on. Like the Winchesters of Supernatural, there are times the road gets too hard, and they cry out, they get angry, they kill a monster (or hit each other), they confess their frustrations and drive off in the Impala listening to AC/DC or Metallica or Kansas. They carry on.

So, today, I ask God, what would you have me hear from you today? What I'm hearing is not that I will get those things I want, or that my troubles with go away, or even that things will get a little easier. But there is a promise, a hope He offers. I just need to press on, continue seeking Him. It won't be easy or quick. But it'll be good. His words could very well be the opening lines of the Kansas song above:

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more