Leaving the Ministry to Save My Faith

I believe everyone is born an idealist.

Everyone has plans, grand and glorious.  The unfortunate people have those hopes dashed pretty quickly by a terrible luck of the draw with parents or homes or illnesses that destroy.  The slightly more fortunate ones make it to school where bullies and standardized tests chip away at the positivity.  If you make it to college, it generally gets renewed- but then real life puts the choke hold on idealism once again when careers and family obligations stack up.

The really lucky ones are idealists well into their kids teenage years.  Having been a youth minister for seven years, I know first hand the face of dying idealism in a teenager's parent.

At some point, all of us see our dreams die.  But a real idealist will find a way to resurrect that dream, that hope, that call.

Idealism, really, is about an unwillingness to let the core call and dream of you life stay dead.

I began my ministry career- or accepted the call to ministry in church speak- the summer after my sophomore year at A&M sitting beside a stream in Research Park.  The call was clear and specific- God wanted me to go to the ones others would not.

Over the next seven years, I found myself spending time with students that others overlooked.  Befriending them, and disciplining them, and loving them.  In 2007, God called again to plant a church in a bar in College Station to reach college students others missed.  In September of 2008, the Gate met for the first time at Hurricane Harry's.  It has been our home since then.

It was idealistic, for sure.  A church with no funding, no backing, no members, and a handful of adults with no advertising and intended to be led by college students.  One pastor told me point blank it wouldn't work.

He was wrong.

It did- not perfectly by any means, but it grew and deepened and survived.  We saw students come and go, some stayed and became leaders.  They too would eventually leave for jobs and marriage and life.  We reached some students that had seen the church turn their back on them, or at least lose sight of them.  We were like a family.  We saw God do things- never huge things, but good things.  Idealistically, we saw a big breakthrough around every corner.

But it never came.

And people kept graduating, and being called on to new things.  And we began to shrivel a bit.

I held on to idealism, and hope, and stubborn unwillingness to let it go.  We tried to revamp and restart, but it never caught on.  And I grew weary.  And I grew spiritually apathetic.

See, every minister reaches a point when their church threatens to become their lesser god.  At that moment they have choice to choose to seek God at the risk of their church, or let the lesser god suck their true faith.

I am at that crossroads.  For the last year or so, every scripture I have read, every insight I've grasped has been funneled into the leadership of the Gate- to the detriment of my personal relationship with Christ.  Over the last few months, I've awoken to realize my lesser god is not worthy of the attention that should go to the One True God.

My church is good, but it is not God.

I've taken stock of the people who make up the Gate.  They are good people, they are growing in their faith, and they deserve a leader who is passionate about God.  I'm not right now.  But I need to be.

Our church will close on November 18.  We will still meet in our small group for the time being, we will still spend time together and seek Christ together.  Because we are still and will always be a family.

God is calling me to a speaking and writing ministry, but before that happens, I need to get right with God.  It will hurt to end something that has been so dear to me- but my church is just a thing.  The people who make it up will still be a part of my life, so it is not a sad ending.

The church never did all things I dreamed it would.  It never got huge, it never did a ton of cool ministry things.  But it was not a failure.

It helped people find Christ again.  My daughter was baptized in this church.  I have been challenged and encouraged and tested by this church.  I have failed some- but in the end, God has shown me victory.

I am leaving the ministry to save my faith.

I will not be gone forever, and when I return, it will be different.  I will have new dreams, new plans, new hopes.

Idealism reborn- as authored by God.

As soon as I find Him again.  Shouldn't be long, because even though I've lost sight of Him, He's never lost me.

The Gate was a good thing, but it was a lesser thing.  It got in the way of God- the greatest thing.  I've grown bored of the lesser thing, and hunger for God is beginning to grow.

For those who are a part of the Gate now- or ever have been, we are still on this journey with Christ together, even though the Gate is ending.  We will still walk closely together as long as possible, it will just look different.  I'm sorry for the ways I've failed you, thankful for the things I've learned from you, and expectant to see the good things God did in you that I got to be a part of building.

We are all born idealist.  Then, idealism dies so it can be reborn as something better- hope.  And faith.  Faith in Christ our Savior- a greater thing than any that has come before or will ever come.

Please, pray for me and each other as we all move forward in pursuit of Christ.

May God bless you all.