Friday, October 28, 2011

Birthday Wishes

So tomorrow is my birthday.

When you have kids, and when those kids have birthdays the same week as yours, you kinda fade to the background. I've gotten used to it now, and sort of like the fact it doesn't get noticed as much. Even with this 'birthday anonymity' I still have wishes, and since I get no candles to blow out, here they are:

Freedom

I want to be free. I'd like to not have a desk job, and have more time to devote to family, church, and writing. The problem is, I'd also like to still have money to feed the family and provide for needs. Barring a miracle of financial proportions, my birthday wish is that I'd know more freedom internally. That I'd learn to be at peace more with things the way they are. Contentment. I think freedom is- to some degree- a state of mind. And I need to make the most of what I have.

Passion


I want to be excited about things again. I often talk about being passionate about God, and wanting more of this. That's really only part of it. I want to be passionate about life in general. I want to be a better and more engaged husband and father. I want to do the best I can at my day job and at my church leadership. I want to be more passionate about writing. I think passion leads to motivation, and when we feel unmotivated, what we really have is a lack of passion. I want to care about the things in my life more than I do. I want to become consumed with love for the things that matter, and be zealous in giving them my best.

Rescue of My Kids

My kids are reaching the age where they are really starting to understand God. At church, I've been blessed to see them singing during worship more often. A few days ago, Leslie asked for a Bible she could read when she goes to another local church on Wednesdays. My wish is that God would continue moving in their hearts, that He would rescue them from sin and that they would accept His gift. I wish Kristin and I could be the right examples, and have the right answers when needed.

To See God Move

I want to see God show up in our church. I want to see God show up in my family. I want to see God show up in my finances. I want to see God show up in my life. I want my life and these things around it to be neon signs pointing to God's works. I want it to be undeniable that God is doing something awesome and powerful, and that I am a part of it.

Excitement

I get bored. I'd love for there to be some adventure to charge off on. I'd love a road trip, a physically challenging endeavor, a mystery to solve, or major happening to shake things up--in a good way.

So, there you have it. My wishes for the next year of my life. If you were looking for a wishlist that could be taken care of on Amazon, sorry to disappoint. And if you really insist on getting me something, a 2012 Black Camaro would sure help with that Excitement wish.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Wayward Son



I discovered the show Supernatural last Spring when I had the flu. I'd been told by several friends I needed to see the show, but was a bit elitist in my TV viewing. CW shows were beneath me.

My bias soon faded as the show became addictive, quickly. Two brothers fighting the supernatural monsters of lore and ultimately facing down Lucifer himself with the help of a trenchcoated angel and a bearded drunk. Good TV.

Before each episode, there is a set of flashbacks to prior episodes, and before the season finale, the flashbacks are accompanied by this song- Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas.

As you can see from the lyrics, it's a song about a son struggling to make it, struggling to endure the tests before him. He has gone off the beaten path, he has taken the harder road. His heart breaks, and he wants to give in and give up. He has risen too high, and now he is under attack. For going beyond the norm. He has vision, and that vision costs him.

It is perfect for Supernatural.

It's perfect for me.

I confess, I am struggling with the calling of God on my life right now. I feel I have a vision of what God desires, of the church I lead and the people I reach, and I love doing that. But the cost- well, the cost is great. Spiritual attacks of fear, temptations, anxiety, business matters of the church, anger, feelings of inadequacies- they are mounting. Plus I struggle with a day job that I find neither fulfilling, nor financially sufficient- but am saddled with a skill set that leaves few options outside of full-time ministry or writing. And neither of those are available at the moment as an option. I am tired, I am frustrated, and I am losing faith.

All this despite God doing great things with the Gate. But I see that, and long for the ability to spend more time doing it, then wake up to the reality that unless someone decides to finance the church salaries, it ain't gonna happen.

In short, I'm hitting bottom.

In fairness, some of my malaise is my own fault. I sin, I say stupid things, I tend to be a little lazy when it comes to getting menial tasks done. God is bringing this to my attention these last few days.

Yet still, here I am. On a mission from God that is not (and I never expected it to be) easy. I knew there would be struggles, I knew there would be stumbles, and I knew there would be attacks. But I am swamped with those things now, and need a way out. I would give anything to be able to lead the Gate full time and write and speak on the side and never have to worry about paying the bills or my kids having a good birthday and cavity free teeth at the same time. Heck, I could deal a little better if I could get just one of those things.

And to be honest, I need to know that I matter. It is selfish and narcissistic, I know, but dang it, I want to know if I'm making a difference.

People will tell me I need to trust in God. I will really want to hit them. I know that. Sometimes I need to vent, and telling me what I already know is infuriating, and it really doesn't get to the heart of my issue. It's a feel good, simple answer to a question that is much more complex. One friend has pointed out that we do need to lament our problems to God and others- it's Biblical, there's a whole book called Lamentations, for crying out loud.

That advice helps me.

What I want is for God to take care of me, to comfort me and provide for me. I want some victories- BIG ONES. I want to have victory over my vices, over my finances, over apathy. I want God to open the door for full time ministry with the Gate, I want Him to make me a successful author and speaker. I want to be restored to the kind of faith and joy I've known throughout my life. I want freedom from the burdens of this world- freedom that comes only from intimacy with Christ. I want to know Him, and I want to continue on this journey He has called me on. Like the Winchesters of Supernatural, there are times the road gets too hard, and they cry out, they get angry, they kill a monster (or hit each other), they confess their frustrations and drive off in the Impala listening to AC/DC or Metallica or Kansas. They carry on.

So, today, I ask God, what would you have me hear from you today? What I'm hearing is not that I will get those things I want, or that my troubles with go away, or even that things will get a little easier. But there is a promise, a hope He offers. I just need to press on, continue seeking Him. It won't be easy or quick. But it'll be good. His words could very well be the opening lines of the Kansas song above:


Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Wayward Story


It's no secret that I love the TV show Lost. Yes, I even loved the finale, with it's lack of answers and controversial (but I thought totally clear and beautiful) final scene. I loved it for the characters. Yeah, the secrets and numbers and Others kept things interesting from time to time, but it was really- for me- about Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Ben, Hurley and the rest.

The way I came to love these fictional, messed up people is a big reason why I loved Lost as a character show. You meet them in the middle of their lives, no explanation, no back story save the story they are telling at the moment. Some stories were true, others- total fabrications. (I'm looking at you, Ben Linus.) Either way, some you loved instantly, some you hated, others scared you. But, through the non-linear storytelling of Flashbacks and Flashforwards, we learned more than the characters would ever feel like letting on. Through these stories, these true stories, we came to love a snarky con-man, to question the sanity of the most lovable teddy bear of a man, and to see the broken shell that birthed the (at least initially) Man of the Island.

I liked Lost for its wayward characters who weren't always what they seemed; sometimes better, often worse.

I liked it because it is very much like real life.

Without the smoke monsters and living islands.

When we meet, the only story I know is what you tell me. I have to take your word. But the more I get to know you, the more you share about where you've come from- and where you are going- the more I see the real you. Because our stories- our lives- are not linear.

Sure, we don't time travel or jump a couple decades in experiences, but the things that happened to us absolutely shape us today. For example, when I was in college, a ministry I was involved in had a brainstorming session about how to meet the evolving needs of college students. Two groups emerged, "keep it the same" and "radically change it." I was in the "radically change it" camp, and voiced my opinion for very non-traditional approaches. Try new things, reach out to people in new and fresh ways, make evangelism more relational and less event oriented. Focus on what the organization did best instead of trying to be everything at once.

I did not win out.

But five years or so later, I find myself again speaking these things to a traditional church. Again, it was going no where, when God, using my memory of the last time that happened, began to shape a thought, a vision, for what would become the church I know pastor.

That's one example of many. In fact, I'm even working on self-publishing a memoir type book called The Wayward that spells this out in more detail. It should be up for download by the end of the year or early next. Essentially, it points out that are stories, our lives, follow no clear pattern. Things we thought were said and done resurface and change us, shape us, and motivate now. Not only that, our future shapes us as well. Disagree? How many of you have retirement and financial plans for the future that affect the way you spend today? How many of you have life and career goals that direct your daily actions now? How many of you are dating to find "The One?"

Truth is, we are all writing a wayward story. We may be like Paul- an enemy of Christ who does a 180 and becomes a devoted follower. He didn't see that coming, but he used his past experience with the Law to become the great theologian of the New Testament. You could get whiplash trying to keep up with the twists and turns of David's life.

But that's our viewpoint. Like on Lost, we only got the information the producers felt necessary at that moment. What may seem all over the map to we the viewers (supposedly) was all part of the plan of the producers. While the validity of that claim is sketchy, the same claim could be made by God and be totally true. We may get tangled up in the plot threads of our lives, but God is still sticking with the master plan.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Wayward Faith

When I go hiking, it's always a truly terrifying event.

Not for me, (I'm having the time of my life) but for those with me.  Especially if my wife is there.  The reason my hiking habits raise anxiety levels is two-fold:  1) I'm quick and sure footed.  2) I have an aversion to well established trails.

The first means that I move faster- often a lot faster- than those with me.  When I slow down, it wears me out.  So, I keep the steps up as well as the heart rate.  In my view, if you're not hiking briskly and bouncing from rock to rock, you're just walking.

But the second, well, that means that I like to find the more difficult paths.  Rather, I like to find the non-existent path and "break it in."  This translates into me running out to the edge of jutting rocks and finding the most straight up/shale covered slopes to explore.  I don' like to follow any pattern, I just send my feet toward the sight that seems most challenging.  There is a sense of accomplishment I get when I do this- that I'm breaking new ground, and that I'm being just a little bit dangerous.

This is a common theme lately.  I have come to feel that we, as a society, are far too safe.  I grew up with no bike helmets or pads, no seat belt laws in the backseat, and no padding or netting on trampolines.  There was an element of danger to childhood that made it exciting.  Something about those things made we want to get out and do things, to try things.  Now, if you eschew the safety rules, then you are considered, at best, a bit wayward.

I like the word wayward.  We should use it more.  But I also feel we should tweak the way we use it a bit.  For reference, here is the definition from Merriam-Webster:
1: following one's own capricious, wanton, or depraved inclinations : ungovernable


2: following no clear principle or law : unpredictable

3: opposite to what is desired or expected : untoward
 
See, to be wayward is negative.  And if you are following 'depraved inclinations,' then yeah, that's bad.  But sometimes, we need to be a little bit more of the 3rd definition.  "Opposite of what is desired or expected."  Especially if what is desired or expected is in conflict with God.
 
Enter faith.  To me, in the world today, there is nothing more wayward to the world's culture than to live by faith.  Heck, if we're really honest, there is nothing more wayward to much of church culture than to live by faith.  Sure, we believe in God, and we pray to Him, and maybe read the Bible a bit and go to church- that means we're living by faith, right?
 
 The truth is, we are living more by established doctrines and traditions that by faith.  For  instance, if God asked you to drop everything today and move to the Middle East to share Christ, would you even consider it, or would you brush it aside as crazy? 
 
Okay, fair enough, that's too big.  What if God asked you today to openly share your faith with an atheist co-worker- or boss?  What if God asked you to not look the other way when the panhandler walks up to your car at the stop light?  What if God asked you to give more (or some) money to the church, even though finances are tight?
 
We are ruled by logic, by doing what makes sense.  If we can't explain something completely, we can't put our faith in it.  It almost seems like we won't really commit to God unless we can know Him completely and without a doubt.  We need cold hard facts.
 
We need helmets and seatbelts and nets and pads and clearly marked trails, or we won't do it.
 
And that is why faith is wayward.  It is rebellious, it is crazy.  2 Corinthians 5:13 says as much:  "If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you."

God doesn't make sense.  To paraphrase Donald Miller from Blue Like Jazz- He doesn't resolve, he doesn't line up with established rhythms.  God is wayward to our expectations and facts and science.

When Jesus walked on water, it scared the disciples. (Duh.)  But then he asked Peter to come out on the water as well.  No scientific laws said that water would hold him, no facts or prior experience could lead him to any other conclusion than "I'm gonna sink.  Fast."  But his faith wasn't in the water, or science, or facts.  It was in Jesus.  So, he stepped out of his safe boat, and walked on water. 

Peter, like Jesus, was wayward.

When we have faith- real, living, vibrant faith- we will not fit in with people who don't believe in God.  Or Christians who want a God they can control and wrap their minds around.  You will walk with Him like I hike- faster and sure footed, and going off the beaten path.  You will seem to those who cling to the safety helmets they call "what we've always done" a bit nutty, dangerous, or even naive.  But you- you will call yourself something different.  You will recognize that those others would use this label as a negative, you claim it as a badge of honor.  Because it makes you more like your Father.

You will call yourself "Wayward."